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简爱(英文版)-第61部分

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—a church bell。
I turned in the direction of the sound; and there; amongst the romantic hills; whose changes and aspect I had ceased to note an hour ago; I saw a hamlet and a spire。 All the valley at my right hand was full of pasture…fields; and cornfields; and wood; and a glittering stream ran zig…zag through the varied shades of green; the mellowing grain; the sombre woodland; the clear and sunny lea。 Recalled by the rumbling of wheels to the road before me; I saw a heavily…laden waggon labouring up the hill; and not far beyond were two cows and their drover。 Human life and human labour were near。 I must struggle on: strive to live and bend to toil like the rest。
About two o’clock p。m。 I entered the village。 At the bottom of its one street there was a little shop with some cakes of bread in the window。 I coveted a cake of bread。 With that refreshment I could perhaps regain a degree of energy: without it; it would be difficult to proceed。 The wish to have some strength and some vigour returned to me as soon as I was amongst my fellow…beings。 I felt it would be degrading to faint with hunger on the causeway of a hamlet。 Had I nothing about me I could offer in exchange for one of these rolls? I considered。 I had a small silk handkerchief tied round my throat; I had my gloves。 I could hardly tell how men and women in extremities of destitution proceeded。 I did not know whether either of these articles would be accepted: probably they would not; but I must try。
I entered the shop: a woman was there。 Seeing a respectably… dressed person; a lady as she supposed; she came forward with civility。 How could she serve me? I was seized with shame: my tongue would not utter the request I had prepared。 I dared not offer her the half…worn gloves; the creased handkerchief: besides; I felt it would be absurd。 I only begged permission to sit down a moment; as I was tired。 Disappointed in the expectation of a customer; she coolly acceded to my request。 She pointed to a seat; I sank into it。 I felt sorely urged to weep; but conscious how unseasonable such a manifestation would be; I restrained it。 Soon I asked her “if there were any dressmaker or plain…workwoman in the village?”
“Yes; tany as there was employment for。”
I reflected。 I was driven to the point now。 I was brought face to face with Necessity。 I stood in the position of one without a resource; without a friend; without a coin。 I must do something。 What? I must apply somewhere。 Where?
“Did she know of any place in the neighbourhood where a servant was wanted?”
“Nay; she couldn’t say。”
“What was the chief trade in this place? What did most of the people do?”
“Some were farm labourers; a good deal worked at Mr。 Oliver’s needle…factory; and at the foundry。”
“Did Mr。 Oliver employ women?”
“Nay; it was men’s work。”
“And what do the women do?”
“I knawn’t;” was the answer。 “Some does one thing; and some another。 Poor folk mun get on as they can。”
She seemed to be tired of my questions: and; indeed; what claim had I to importune her? A neighbour or two came in; my chair was evidently wanted。 I took leave。
I passed up the street; looking as I went at all the houses to the right hand and to the left; but I could discover no pretext; nor see an inducement to enter any。 I rambled round the hamlet; going sometimes to a little distance and returning again; for an hour or more。 Much exhausted; and suffering greatly now for want of food; I turned aside into a lane and sat down under the hedge。 Ere many minutes had elapsed; I was again on my feet; however; and again searching something—a resource; or at least an informant。 A pretty little house stood at the top of the lane; with a garden before it; exquisitely neat and brilliantly blooming。 I stopped at it。 What business had I to approach the white door or touch the glittering knocker? In what way could it possibly be the interest of the inhabitants of that dwelling to serve me? Yet I drew near and knocked。 A mild…looking; cleanly…attired young woman opened the door。 In such a voice as might be expected from a hopeless heart and fainting frame—a voice wretchedly low and faltering—I asked if a servant was wanted here?
“No;” said she; “we do not keep a servant。”
“Can you tell me where I could get employment of any kind?” I continued。 “I am a stranger; without acquaintance in this place。 I want some work: no matter what。”
But it was not her business to think for me; or to seek a place for me: besides; in her eyes; how doubtful must have appeared my character; position; tale。 She shook her head; she “was sorry she could give me no information;” and the white door closed; quite gently and civilly: but it shut me out。 If she had held it open a little longer; I believe I should have begged a piece of bread; for I was now brought low。
I could not bear to return to the sordid village; where; besides; no prospect of aid was visible。 I should have longed rather to deviate to a wood I saw not far off; which appeared in its thick shade to offer inviting shelter; but I was so sick; so weak; so gnawed with nature’s cravings; instinct kept me roaming round abodes where there was a chance of food。 Solitude would be no solitude—rest no rest— while the vulture; hunger; thus sank beak and talons in my side。
I drew near houses; I left them; and came back again; and again I wandered away: always repelled by the consciousness of having no claim to ask—no right to expect interest in my isolated lot。 Meantime; the afternoon advanced; while I thus wandered about like a lost and starving dog。 In crossing a field; I saw the church spire before me: I hastened towards it。 Near the churchyard; and in the middle of a garden; stood a well…built though small house; which I had no doubt was the parsonage。 I remembered that strangers who arrive at a place where they have no friends; and who want employment; sometimes apply to the clergyman for introduction and aid。 It is the clergyman’s function to help—at least with advice— those who wished to help themselves。 I seemed to have something like a right to seek counsel here。 Renewing then my courage; and gathering my feeble remains of strength; I pushed on。 I reached the house; and knocked at the kitchen…door。 An old woman opened: I asked was this the parsonage?
“Yes。”
“Was the clergyman in?”
“No。”
“Would he be in soon?”
“No; he was gone from home。”
“To a distance?”
“Not so far—happen three mile。 He had been called away by the sudden death of his father: he was at Marsh End now; and would very likely stay there a fortnight longer。”
“Was there any lady of the house?”
“Nay; there was naught but her; and she was housekeeper;” and of her; reader; I could not bear to ask the relief for want of which I was sinking; I could not yet beg; and again I crawled away。
Once more I took off my handkerchief—once more I thought of the cakes of bread in the little shop。 Oh; for but a crust! for but one mouthful to allay the pang of famine! Instinctively I turned my face again to the village; I found the shop again; and I went in; and though others were there besides the woman I ventured the request—“Would she give me a roll for this handkerchief?”
She looked at me with evident suspicion: “Nay; she never sold stuff i’ that way。”
Almost desperate; I asked for half a cake; she again refused。 “How could she tell where I had got the handkerchief?” she said。
“Would she take my gloves?”
“No! what could she do with them?”
Reader; it is not pleasant to dwell on these details。 Some say there is enjoyment in looking back to painful experience past; but at this day I can scarcely bear to review the times to which I allude: the moral degradation; blent with the physical suffering; form too distressing a recollection ever to be willingly dwelt on。 I blamed none of those who repulsed me。 I felt it was what was to be expected; and what could not be helped: an ordinary beggar is frequently an object of suspicion; a well…dressed beggar inevitably so。 To be sure; what I begged was employment; but whose business was it to provide me with employment? Not; certainly; that of persons who saw me then for the first time; and who knew nothing about my character。 And as to the woman who would not take my handkerchief in exchange for her bread; why; she was right; if the offer appeared to her sinister or the exchange unprofitable。 Let me condense now。 I am sick of the subject。
A little before dark I passed a farm…house; at the open door of which the farmer was sitting; eating his supper of bread and cheese。 I stopped and said—
“Will you give me a piece of bread? for I am very hungry。” He cast on me a glance of surprise; but without answering; he cut a thick slice from his loaf; and gave it to me。 I imagine he did not think I was a beggar; but only an eccentric sort of lady; who had taken a fancy to his brown loaf。 As soon as I was out of sight of his house; I sat down and ate it。
I could not hope to get a lodging under a roof; and sought it in the wood I have before alluded to。 But my night was wretched; my rest broken: the ground was damp; the air cold: besides; intruders passed near me more than once; and I had again and again to change my quarters; no sense of safety or tranquillity befriended me。 Towards morning it rained; the whole of the following day was wet。 Do not ask me; reader; to give a minute account of that day; as before; I sought work; as before; I was repulsed; as before; I starved; but once did food pass my lips。 At the door of a cottage I saw a little girl about to throw a mess of cold porridge into a pig trough。 “Will you give me that?” I asked。
She stared at me。 “Mother!” she exclaimed; “there is a woman wants me to give her these porridge。”
“Well lass;” replied a voice within; “give it her if she’s a beggar。 T pig doesn’t want it。”
The girl emptied the stiffened mould into my hand; and I devoured it ravenously。
As the wet twilight deepened; I stopped in a solitary bridle…path; which I had been pursuing an hour or more。
“My strength is quite failing me;” I said in a soliloquy。 “I feel I cannot go much farther。 Shall I be an outcast again this night? While the rain descends so; must I lay my head on the cold; drenched ground? I fear I cannot do otherwise: for who will receive me? But it will be very dreadful; with this feeling of hunger; faintness; chill; and this sense of desolation—this total prostration of hope。 In all likelihood; though; I should die before morning。 And why cannot I reconcile myself to the prospect of death? Why do I struggle to retain a valueless life? Because I know; or believe; Mr。 Rochester is living: and then; to die of want and cold is a fate to which nature cannot submit passively。 Oh; Providence! sustain me a little longer! Aid!—direct me!”
My glazed eye wandered over the dim and misty landscape。 I saw I had strayed far from the village: it was quite out of sight。 The very cultivation surrounding it had disappeared。 I had; by cross… ways and by…paths; once more drawn near the tract of moorland; and now; only a few fields; almost as wild and unproductive as the heath from which they were scarcely reclaimed; lay between me and the dusky hill。
“Well; I would rather die yonder than in a street or on a frequented road;” I reflected。 “And far better that crows and ravens—if any ravens there be in these regions—should pick my flesh from my bones; than that they should be prisoned in a workhouse coffin and moulder in a pauper’s grave。”
To the hill; then; I turned。 I reached it。 It remained now only to find a hollow where I could lie down; and feel at least hidden; if not secure。 But all the surface of the waste looked level。 It showed no variation but of tint: green; where rush and moss overgrew the marshes; black; where the dry soil bore only heath。 Dark as it was getting; I could still see these changes; though but as mere alternations of light and shade; for colour had faded with the daylight。
My eye still roved over the sullen swell and along the moor…edge; vanishing amidst the wildest scenery; when at one dim point; far in among the marshes and the ridges; a light sprang up。 “That is an ignis fatuus;” was my first thought; and I expected it would soon vanish。 It burnt on; however; quite steadily; neither reced
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