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As　I　love—loved　am　I！”
He　rose　and　came　towards　me；　and　I　saw　his　face　all　kindled；　and　his　full　falcon…eye　flashing；　and　tenderness　and　passion　in　every　lineament。　I　quailed　momentarily—then　I　rallied。　Soft　scene；　daring　demonstration；　I　would　not　have；　and　I　stood　in　peril　of　both：　a　weapon　of　defence　must　be　prepared—I　whetted　my　tongue：　as　he　reached　me；　I　asked　with　asperity；　“whom　he　was　going　to　marry　now？”
“That　was　a　strange　question　to　be　put　by　his　darling　Jane。”
“Indeed！　I　considered　it　a　very　natural　and　necessary　one：　he　had　talked　of　his　future　wife　dying　with　him。　What　did　he　mean　by　such　a　pagan　idea？　I　had　no　intention　of　dying　with　him—he　might　depend　on　that。”
“Oh；　all　he　longed；　all　he　prayed　for；　was　that　I　might　live　with　him！　Death　was　not　for　such　as　I。”
“Indeed　it　was：　I　had　as　good　a　right　to　die　when　my　time　came　as　he　had：　but　I　should　bide　that　time；　and　not　be　hurried　away　in　a　suttee。”
“Would　I　forgive　him　for　the　selfish　idea；　and　prove　my　pardon　by　a　reconciling　kiss？”
“No：　I　would　rather　be　excused。”
Here　I　heard　myself　apostrophised　as　a　“hard　little　thing；”　and　it　was　added；　“any　other　woman　would　have　been　melted　to　marrow　at　hearing　such　stanzas　crooned　in　her　praise。”
I　assured　him　I　was　naturally　hard—very　flinty；　and　that　he　would　often　find　me　so；　and　that；　moreover；　I　was　determined　to　show　him　divers　rugged　points　in　my　character　before　the　ensuing　four　weeks　elapsed：　he　should　know　fully　what　sort　of　a　bargain　he　had　made；　while　there　was　yet　time　to　rescind　it。
“Would　I　be　quiet　and　talk　rationally？”
“I　would　be　quiet　if　he　liked；　and　as　to　talking　rationally；　I　flattered　myself　I　was　doing　that　now。”
He　fretted；　pished；　and　pshawed。　“Very　good；”　I　thought；　“you　may　fume　and　fidget　as　you　please：　but　this　is　the　best　plan　to　pursue　with　you；　I　am　certain。　I　like　you　more　than　I　can　say；　but　I’ll　not　sink　into　a　bathos　of　sentiment：　and　with　this　needle　of　repartee　I’ll　keep　you　from　the　edge　of　the　gulf　too；　and；　moreover；　maintain　by　its　pungent　aid　that　distance　between　you　and　myself　most　conducive　to　our　real　mutual　advantage。”
From　less　to　more；　I　worked　him　up　to　considerable　irritation；　then；　after　he　had　retired；　in　dudgeon；　quite　to　the　other　end　of　the　room；　I　got　up；　and　saying；　“I　wish　you　good…night；　sir；”　in　my　natural　and　wonted　respectful　manner；　I　slipped　out　by　the　side…door　and　got　away。
The　system　thus　entered　on；　I　pursued　during　the　whole　season　of　probation；　and　with　the　best　success。　He　was　kept；　to　be　sure；　rather　cross　and　crusty；　but　on　the　whole　I　could　see　he　was　excellently　entertained；　and　that　a　lamb…like　submission　and　turtle…　dove　sensibility；　while　fostering　his　despotism　more；　would　have　pleased　his　judgment；　satisfied　his　mon…sense；　and　even　suited　his　taste　less。
In　other　people’s　presence　I　was；　as　formerly；　deferential　and　quiet；　any　other　line　of　conduct　being　uncalled　for：　it　was　only　in　the　evening　conferences　I　thus　thwarted　and　afflicted　him。　He　continued　to　send　for　me　punctually　the　moment　the　clock　struck　seven；　though　when　I　appeared　before　him　now；　he　had　no　such　honeyed　terms　as　“love”　and　“darling”　on　his　lips：　the　best　words　at　my　service　were　“provoking　puppet；”　“malicious　elf；”　“sprite；”　“changeling；”　&c。　For　caresses；　too；　I　now　got　grimaces；　for　a　pressure　of　the　hand；　a　pinch　on　the　arm；　for　a　kiss　on　the　cheek；　a　severe　tweak　of　the　ear。　It　was　all　right：　at　present　I　decidedly　preferred　these　fierce　favours　to　anything　more　tender。　Mrs。　Fairfax；　I　saw；　approved　me：　her　anxiety　on　my　account　vanished；　therefore　I　was　certain　I　did　well。　Meantime；　Mr。　Rochester　affirmed　I　was　wearing　him　to　skin　and　bone；　and　threatened　awful　vengeance　for　my　present　conduct　at　some　period　fast　ing。　I　laughed　in　my　sleeve　at　his　menaces。　“I　can　keep　you　in　reasonable　check　now；”　I　reflected；　“and　I　don’t　doubt　to　be　able　to　do　it　hereafter：　if　one　expedient　loses　its　virtue；　another　must　be　devised。”
Yet　after　all　my　task　was　not　an　easy　one；　often　I　would　rather　have　pleased　than　teased　him。　My　future　husband　was　being　to　me　my　whole　world；　and　more　than　the　world：　almost　my　hope　of　heaven。　He　stood　between　me　and　every　thought　of　religion；　as　an　eclipse　intervenes　between　man　and　the　broad　sun。　I　could　not；　in　those　days；　see　God　for　His　creature：　of　whom　I　had　made　an　idol。
Chapter　25
The　month　of　courtship　had　wasted：　its　very　last　hours　were　being　numbered。　There　was　no　putting　off　the　day　that　advanced—the　bridal　day；　and　all　preparations　for　its　arrival　were　plete。　I；　at　least；　had　nothing　more　to　do：　there　were　my　trunks；　packed；　locked；　corded；　ranged　in　a　row　along　the　wall　of　my　little　chamber；　to…morrow；　at　this　time；　they　would　be　far　on　their　road　to　London：　and　so　should　I　（D。V。）；—or　rather；　not　I；　but　one　Jane　Rochester；　a　person　whom　as　yet　I　knew　not。　The　cards　of　address　alone　remained　to　nail　on：　they　lay；　four　little　squares；　in　the　drawer。　Mr。　Rochester　had　himself　written　the　direction；　“Mrs。　Rochester；—　Hotel；　London；”　on　each：　I　could　not　persuade　myself　to　affix　them；　or　to　have　them　affixed。　Mrs。　Rochester！　She　did　not　exist：　she　would　not　be　born　till　to…morrow；　some　time　after　eight　o’clock　a。m。；　and　I　would　wait　to　be　assured　she　had　e　into　the　world　alive　before　I　assigned　to　her　all　that　property。　It　was　enough　that　in　yonder　closet；　opposite　my　dressing…table；　garments　said　to　be　hers　had　already　displaced　my　black　stuff　Lowood　frock　and　straw　bon：　for　not　to　me　appertained　that　suit　of　wedding　raiment；　the　pearl…coloured　robe；　the　vapoury　veil　pendent　from　the　usurped　portmanteau。　I　shut　the　closet　to　conceal　the　strange；　wraith…like　apparel　it　contained；　which；　at　this　evening　hour—nine　o’clock—　gave　out　certainly　a　most　ghostly　shimmer　through　the　shadow　of　my　apartment。　“I　will　leave　you　by　yourself；　white　dream；”　I　said。　“I　am　feverish：　I　hear　the　wind　blowing：　I　will　go　out　of　doors　and　feel　it。”
It　was　not　only　the　hurry　of　preparation　that　made　me　feverish；　not　only　the　anticipation　of　the　great　change—the　new　life　which　was　to　mence　to…morrow：　both　these　circumstances　had　their　share；　doubtless；　in　producing　that　restless；　excited　mood　which　hurried　me　forth　at　this　late　hour　into　the　darkening　grounds：　but　a　third　cause　influenced　my　mind　more　than　they。
I　had　at　heart　a　strange　and　anxious　thought。　Something　had　happened　which　I　could　not　prehend；　no　one　knew　of　or　had　seen　the　event　but　myself：　it　had　taken　place　the　preceding　night。　Mr。　Rochester　that　night　was　absent　from　home；　nor　was　he　yet　returned：　business　had　called　him　to　a　small　estate　of　two　or　three　farms　he　possessed　thirty　miles　off—business　it　was　requisite　he　should　settle　in　person；　previous　to　his　meditated　departure　from　England。　I　waited　now　his　return；　eager　to　disburthen　my　mind；　and　to　seek　of　him　the　solution　of　the　enigma　that　perplexed　me。　Stay　till　he　es；　reader；　and；　when　I　disclose　my　secret　to　him；　you　shall　share　the　confidence。
I　sought　the　orchard；　driven　to　its　shelter　by　the　wind；　which　all　day　had　blown　strong　and　full　from　the　south；　without；　however；　bringing　a　speck　of　rain。　Instead　of　subsiding　as　night　drew　on；　it　seemed　to　augment　its　rush　and　deepen　its　roar：　the　trees　blew　steadfastly　one　way；　never　writhing　round；　and　scarcely　tossing　back　their　boughs　once　in　an　hour；　so　continuous　was　the　strain　bending　their　branchy　heads　northward—the　clouds　drifted　from　pole　to　pole；　fast　following；　mass　on　mass：　no　glimpse　of　blue　sky　had　been　visible　that　July　day。
It　was　not　without　a　certain　wild　pleasure　I　ran　before　the　wind；　delivering　my　trouble　of　mind　to　the　measureless　air…torrent　thundering　through　space。　Descending　the　laurel　walk；　I　faced　the　wreck　of　the　chestnut…tree；　it　stood　up　black　and　riven：　the　trunk；　split　down　the　centre；　gasped　ghastly。　The　cloven　halves　were　not　broken　from　each　other；　for　the　firm　base　and　strong　roots　kept　them　unsundered　below；　though　munity　of　vitality　was　destroyed—the　sap　could　flow　no　more：　their　great　boughs　on　each　side　were　dead；　and　next　winter’s　tempests　would　be　sure　to　fell　one　or　both　to　earth：　as　yet；　however；　they　might　be　said　to　form　one　tree—a　ruin；　but　an　entire　ruin。
“You　did　right　to　hold　fast　to　each　other；”　I　said：　as　if　the　monster…splinters　were　living　things；　and　could　hear　me。　“I　think；　scathed　as　you　look；　and　charred　and　scorched；　there　must　be　a　little　sense　of　life　in　you　yet；　rising　out　of　that　adhesion　at　the　faithful；　honest　roots：　you　will　never　have　green　leaves　more—　never　more　see　birds　making　nests　and　singing　idyls　in　your　boughs；　the　time　of　pleasure　and　love　is　over　with　you：　but　you　are　not　desolate：　each　of　you　has　a　rade　to　sympathise　with　him　in　his　decay。”　As　I　looked　up　at　them；　the　moon　appeared　momentarily　in　that　part　of　the　sky　which　filled　their　fissure；　her　disk　was　blood…　red　and　half　overcast；　she　seemed　to　throw　on　me　one　bewildered；　dreary　glance；　and　buried　herself　again　instantly　in　the　deep　drift　of　cloud。　The　wind　fell；　for　a　second；　round　Thornfield；　but　far　away　over　wood　and　water；　poured　a　wild；　melancholy　wail：　it　was　sad　to　listen　to；　and　I　ran　off　again。
Here　and　there　I　strayed　through　the　orchard；　gathered　up　the　apples　with　which　the　grass　round　the　tree　roots　was　thickly　strewn；　then　I　employed　myself　in　dividing　the　ripe　from　the　unripe；　I　carried　them　into　the　house　and　put　them　away　in　the　store…room。　Then　I　repaired　to　the　library　to　ascertain　whether　the　fire　was　lit；　for；　though　summer；　I　knew　on　such　a　gloomy　evening　Mr。　Rochester　would　like　to　see　a　cheerful　hearth　when　he　came　in：　yes；　the　fire　had　been　kindled　some　time；　and　burnt　well。　I　placed　his　arm…chair　by　the　chimney…corner：　I　wheeled　the　table　near　it：　I　let　down　the　curtain；　and　had　the　candles　brought　in　ready　for　lighting。　More　restless　than　ever；　when　I　had　pleted　these　arrangements　I　could　not　sit　still；　nor　even　remain　in　the　house：　a　little　time…piece　in　the　room　and　the　old　clock　in　the　hall　simultaneously　struck　ten。
“How　late　it　grows！”　I　said。　“I　will　run　down　to　the　gates：　it　is　moonlight　at　intervals；　I　can　see　a　good　way　on　the　road。　He　may　be　ing　now；　and　to　meet　him　will　save　some　minutes　of　suspense。”
The　wind　roared　high　in　the　great　trees　which　embowered　the　gates；　but　the　road　as　far　as　I　could　see；　to　the　right　hand　and　the　left；　was　all　still　and　solitary：　save　for　the　shadows　of　clouds　crossing　it　at　intervals　as　the　moon　looked　out；　it　was　but　a　long　pale　line；　unvaried　by　one　moving　speck。
A　puerile　tear　dimmed　my　eye　while　I　looked—a　tear　of　disappointment　and　impatience；　ashamed　of　it；　I　wiped　it　away。　I　lingered；　the　moon　shut　herself　wholly　within　her　chamber；　and　drew　close　her　curtain　of　dense　cloud：　the　night　grew　dark；　rain　came　driving　fast　on　the　gale。
“I　wish　he　would　e！　I　wish　he　would　e！”　I　exclaimed；　seized　with　hypochondriac　foreboding。　I　had　expected　his　arrival　before　tea；　now　it　was　dark：　what　could　keep　him？　Had　an　accident　happened？　The　event　of　last　night　again　recurred　to　me。　I　interpreted　it　as　a　warning　of　disaster。　I　feared　my　hopes　were　too　bright　to　be　realised；　and　I　had　enjoyed　so　much　bliss　lately　that　I　imagined　my　fortune　had　passed　its　meridian；　and　must　now　decline。
“Well；　I　cannot　return　to　the　house；”　I　thought；　“I　cannot　sit　by　the　fireside；　while　he　is　abroad　in　inclement　weather：　better　tire　my　limbs　than　strain　my　heart；　I　will　go　forward　and　meet　him。”
I　set　out；　I　walked　fast；　but　not　far：　ere　I　had　measured　a　quarter　of　a　mile；　I　heard　the　tramp　of　hoofs；　a　horseman　came　on；　full　gallop；　a　dog　ran　by　his　side。　Away　with　evil　presentiment！　It　was　he：　here　he　was；　mounted　on　Mesrour；　followed　by　Pilot。　He　saw　me；　for　the　moon　had　opened　a　blue　field　in　the　sky；　and　rode　in　it　watery　bright：　he　took　his　hat　off；　and　waved　it　round　his　head。　I　now　ran　to　meet　him。
“There！”　he　exclaimed；　as　he　stretched　out　his　hand　and　bent　from　the　saddle：　“You　can’t　do　without　me；　that　is　evident。　Step　on　my　boot…toe；　give　me　both　hands：　mount！”
I　obeyed：　joy　made　me　agile：　I　sprang　up　before　him。　A　hearty　kissing　I　got　for　a　wele；　and　some　boastful　triumph；　which　I　swallowed　as　well　as　I　could。　He　checked　himself　in　his　exultation　to　demand；　“But　is　there　anything　the　matter；　Ja；