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简爱(英文版)-第25部分
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evolence should have risen。
“Now; ma’am; am I a fool?”
“Far from it; sir。 You would; perhaps; think me rude if I inquired in return whether you are a philanthropist?”
“There again! Another stick of the penknife; when she pretended to pat my head: and that is because I said I did not like the society of children and old women (low be it spoken!)。 No; young lady; I am not a general philanthropist; but I bear a conscience;” and he pointed to the prominences which are said to indicate that faculty; and which; fortunately for him; were sufficiently conspicuous; giving; indeed; a marked breadth to the upper part of his head: “and; besides; I once had a kind of rude tenderness of heart。 When I was as old as you; I was a feeling fellow enough; partial to the unfledged; unfostered; and unlucky; but Fortune has knocked me about since: she has even kneaded me with her knuckles; and now I flatter myself I am hard and tough as an India…rubber ball; pervious; though; through a chink or two still; and with one sentient point in the middle of the lump。 Yes: does that leave hope for me?”
“Hope of what; sir?”
“Of my final re…transformation from India…rubber back to flesh?”
“Decidedly he has had too much wine;” I thought; and I did not know what answer to make to his queer question: how could I tell whether he was capable of being re…transformed?
“You looked very much puzzled; Miss Eyre; and though you are not pretty any more than I am handsome; yet a puzzled air bees you; besides; it is convenient; for it keeps those searching eyes of yours away from my physiognomy; and busies them with the worsted flowers of the rug; so puzzle on。 Young lady; I am disposed to be gregarious and municative to…night。”
With this announcement he rose from his chair; and stood; leaning his arm on the marble mantelpiece: in that attitude his shape was seen plainly as well as his face; his unusual breadth of chest; disproportionate almost to his length of limb。 I am sure most people would have thought him an ugly man; yet there was so much unconscious pride in his port; so much ease in his demeanour; such a look of plete indifference to his own external appearance; so haughty a reliance on the power of other qualities; intrinsic or adventitious; to atone for the lack of mere personal attractiveness; that; in looking at him; one inevitably shared the indifference; and; even in a blind; imperfect sense; put faith in the confidence。
“I am disposed to be gregarious and municative to…night;” he repeated; “and that is why I sent for you: the fire and the chandelier were not sufficient pany for me; nor would Pilot have been; for none of these can talk。 Adèle is a degree better; but still far below the mark; Mrs。 Fairfax ditto; you; I am persuaded; can suit me if you will: you puzzled me the first evening I invited you down here。 I have almost forgotten you since: other ideas have driven yours from my head; but to…night I am resolved to be at ease; to dismiss what importunes; and recall what pleases。 It would please me now to draw you out—to learn more of you—therefore speak。”
Instead of speaking; I smiled; and not a very placent or submissive smile either。
“Speak;” he urged。
“What about; sir?”
“Whatever you like。 I leave both the choice of subject and the manner of treating it entirely to yourself。”
Accordingly I sat and said nothing: “If he expects me to talk for the mere sake of talking and showing off; he will find he has addressed himself to the wrong person;” I thought。
“You are dumb; Miss Eyre。”
I was dumb still。 He bent his head a little towards me; and with a single hasty glance seemed to dive into my eyes。
“Stubborn?” he said; “and annoyed。 Ah! it is consistent。 I put my request in an absurd; almost insolent form。 Miss Eyre; I beg your pardon。 The fact is; once for all; I don’t wish to treat you like an inferior: that is” (correcting himself); “I claim only such superiority as must result from twenty years’ difference in age and a century’s advance in experience。 This is legitimate; et j’y tiens; as Adèle would say; and it is by virtue of this superiority; and this alone; that I desire you to have the goodness to talk to me a little now; and divert my thoughts; which are galled with dwelling on one point—cankering as a rusty nail。”
He had deigned an explanation; almost an apology; and I did not feel insensible to his condescension; and would not seem so。
“I am willing to amuse you; if I can; sir—quite willing; but I cannot introduce a topic; because how do I know what will interest you? Ask me questions; and I will do my best to answer them。”
“Then; in the first place; do you agree with me that I have a right to be a little masterful; abrupt; perhaps exacting; sometimes; on the grounds I stated; namely; that I am old enough to be your father; and that I have battled through a varied experience with many men of many nations; and roamed over half the globe; while you have lived quietly with one set of people in one house?”
“Do as you please; sir。”
“That is no answer; or rather it is a very irritating; because a very evasive one。 Reply clearly。”
“I don’t think; sir; you have a right to mand me; merely because you are older than I; or because you have seen more of the world than I have; your claim to superiority depends on the use you have made of your time and experience。”
“Humph! Promptly spoken。 But I won’t allow that; seeing that it would never suit my case; as I have made an indifferent; not to say a bad; use of both advantages。 Leaving superiority out of the question; then; you must still agree to receive my orders now and then; without being piqued or hurt by the tone of mand。 Will you?”
I smiled: I thought to myself Mr。 Rochester IS peculiar—he seems to forget that he pays me £30 per annum for receiving his orders。
“The smile is very well;” said he; catching instantly the passing expression; “but speak too。”
“I was thinking; sir; that very few masters would trouble themselves to inquire whether or not their paid subordinates were piqued and hurt by their orders。”
“Paid subordinates! What! you are my paid subordinate; are you? Oh yes; I had forgotten the salary! Well then; on that mercenary ground; will you agree to let me hector a little?”
“No; sir; not on that ground; but; on the ground that you did forget it; and that you care whether or not a dependent is fortable in his dependency; I agree heartily。”
“And will you consent to dispense with a great many conventional forms and phrases; without thinking that the omission arises from insolence?”
“I am sure; sir; I should never mistake informality for insolence: one I rather like; the other nothing free…born would submit to; even for a salary。”
“Humbug! Most things free…born will submit to anything for a salary; therefore; keep to yourself; and don’t venture on generalities of which you are intensely ignorant。 However; I mentally shake hands with you for your answer; despite its inaccuracy; and as much for the manner in which it was said; as for the substance of the speech; the manner was frank and sincere; one does not often see such a manner: no; on the contrary; affectation; or coldness; or stupid; coarse…minded misapprehension of one’s meaning are the usual rewards of candour。 Not three in three thousand raw school…girl…governesses would have answered me as you have just done。 But I don’t mean to flatter you: if you are cast in a different mould to the majority; it is no merit of yours: Nature did it。 And then; after all; I go too fast in my conclusions: for what I yet know; you may be no better than the rest; you may have intolerable defects to counterbalance your few good points。”
“And so may you;” I thought。 My eye met his as the idea crossed my mind: he seemed to read the glance; answering as if its import had been spoken as well as imagined—
“Yes; yes; you are right;” said he; “I have plenty of faults of my own: I know it; and I don’t wish to palliate them; I assure you。 God wot I need not be too severe about others; I have a past existence; a series of deeds; a colour of life to contemplate within my own breast; which might well call my sneers and censures from my neighbours to myself。 I started; or rather (for like other defaulters; I like to lay half the blame on ill fortune and adverse circumstances) was thrust on to a wrong tack at the age of one…and… twenty; and have never recovered the right course since: but I might have been very different; I might have been as good as you— wiser—almost as stainless。 I envy you your peace of mind; your clean conscience; your unpolluted memory。 Little girl; a memory without blot or contamination must be an exquisite treasure—an inexhaustible source of pure refreshment: is it not?”
“How was your memory when you were eighteen; sir?”
“All right then; limpid; salubrious: no gush of bilge water had turned it to fetid puddle。 I was your equal at eighteen—quite your equal。 Nature meant me to be; on the whole; a good man; Miss Eyre; one of the better kind; and you see I am not so。 You would say you don’t see it; at least I flatter myself I read as much in your eye (beware; by…the…bye; what you express with that organ; I am quick at interpreting its language)。 Then take my word for it;—I am not a villain: you are not to suppose that—not to attribute to me any such bad eminence; but; owing; I verily believe; rather to circumstances than to my natural bent; I am a trite monplace sinner; hackneyed in all the poor petty dissipations with which the rich and worthless try to put on life。 Do you wonder that I avow this to you? Know; that in the course of your future life you will often find yourself elected the involuntary confidant of your acquaintances’ secrets: people will instinctively find out; as I have done; that it is not your forte to tell of yourself; but to listen while others talk of themselves; they will feel; too; that you listen with no malevolent scorn of their indiscretion; but with a kind of innate sympathy; not the less forting and encouraging because it is very unobtrusive in its manifestations。”
“How do you know?—how can you guess all this; sir?”
“I know it well; therefore I proceed almost as freely as if I were writing my thoughts in a diary。 You would say; I should have been superior to circumstances; so I should—so I should; but you see I was not。 When fate wronged me; I had not the wisdom to remain cool: I turned desperate; then I degenerated。 Now; when any vicious simpleton excites my disgust by his paltry ribaldry; I cannot flatter myself that I am better than he: I am forced to confess that he and I are on a level。 I wish I had stood firm—God knows I do! Dread remorse when you are tempted to err; Miss Eyre; remorse is the poison of life。”
“Repentance is said to be its cure; sir。”
“It is not its cure。 Reformation may be its cure; and I could reform—I have strength yet for that—if—but where is the use of thinking of it; hampered; burdened; cursed as I am? Besides; since happiness is irrevocably denied me; I have a right to get pleasure out of life: and I will get it; cost what it may。”
“Then you will degenerate still more; sir。”
“Possibly: yet why should I; if I can get sweet; fresh pleasure? And I may get it as sweet and fresh as the wild honey the bee gathers on the moor。”
“It will sting—it will taste bitter; sir。”
“How do you know?—you never tried it。 How very serious—how very solemn you look: and you are as ignorant of the matter as this cameo head” (taking one from the mantelpiece)。 “You have no right to preach to me; you neophyte; that have not passed the porch of life; and are absolutely unacquainted with its mysteries。”
“I only remind you of your own words; sir: you said error brought remorse; and you pronounced remorse the poison of existence。”
“And who talks of error now? I scarcely think the notion that flittered across my brain was an error。 I believe it was an inspiration rather than a temptation: it was very genial; very soothing—I know that。 Here it es again! It is no devil; I assure you; or if it be; it has put on the robes of an angel of light。 I think I must admit so fair a guest when it asks entrance to my heart。”
“Distrust it; sir; it is not a true angel。”
“Once more; how do y
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