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e　gone　and　then　they　have　us。〃
〃They　won't　get　us；〃　I　said。　〃Because　you're　too　brave。　Nothing　ever　happens　to　the　brave。〃
〃They　die　of　course。〃
〃But　only　once。〃
〃I　don't　know。　Who　said　that？〃
〃The　coward　dies　a　thousand　deaths；　the　brave　but　one？〃
〃Of　course。　Who　said　it？〃
〃I　don't　know。〃
〃He　was　probably　a　coward；〃　she　said。　〃He　knew　a　great　deal　about　cowards　but　nothing　about　the　brave。　The　brave　dies　perhaps　two　thousand　deaths　if　he's　intelligent。　He　simply　doesn't　mention　them。〃
〃I　don't　know。　It's　hard　to　see　inside　the　head　of　the　brave。〃
〃Yes。　That's　how　they　keep　that　way。〃
〃You're　an　authority。〃
〃You're　right；　darling。　That　was　deserved。〃
〃You're　brave。〃
〃No；〃　she　said。　〃But　I　would　like　to　be。〃
〃I'm　not；〃　I　said。　〃I　know　where　I　stand。　I've　been　out　long　enough　to　know。　I'm　like　a　ball…player　that　bats　two　hundred　and　thirty　and　knows　he's　no　better。〃
〃What　is　a　ball…player　that　bats　two　hundred　and　thirty？　It's　awfully　impressive。〃
〃It's　not。　It　means　a　mediocre　hitter　in　baseball。〃
〃But　still　a　hitter；〃　she　prodded　me。
〃I　guess　we're　both　conceited；〃　I　said。　〃But　you　are　brave。〃
〃No。　But　I　hope　to　be。〃
〃We're　both　brave；〃　I　said。　〃And　I'm　very　brave　when　I've　had　a　drink。〃
〃We're　splendid　people；〃　Catherine　said。　She　went　over　to　the　armoire　and　brought　me　the　cognac　and　a　glass。　〃Have　a　drink；　darling；〃　she　said。　〃You've　been　awfully　good。〃
〃I　don't　really　want　one。〃
〃Take　one。〃
〃All　right。〃　I　poured　the　water　glass　a　third　full　of　cognac　and　drank　it　off。
〃That　was　very　big；〃　she　said。　〃I　know　brandy　is　for　heroes。　But　you　shouldn't　exaggerate。〃
〃Where　will　we　live　after　the　war？〃
〃In　an　old　people's　home　probably；〃　she　said。　〃For　three　years　I　looked　forward　very　childishly　to　the　war　ending　at　Christmas。　But　now　I　look　forward　till　when　our　son　will　be　a　lieutenant　mander。〃
〃Maybe　he'll　be　a　general。〃
〃If　it's　an　hundred　years'　war　he'll　have　time　to　try　both　of　the　services。〃
〃Don't　you　want　a　drink？〃
〃No。　It　always　makes　you　happy；　darling；　and　it　only　makes　me　dizzy。〃
〃Didn't　you　ever　drink　brandy？〃
〃No；　darling。　I'm　a　very　old…fashioned　wife。〃
I　reached　down　to　the　floor　for　the　bottle　and　poured　another　drink。
〃I'd　better　go　to　have　a　look　at　your　patriots；〃　Catherine　said。　〃Perhaps　you'll　read　the　papers　until　I　e　back。〃
〃Do　you　have　to　go？〃
〃Now　or　later。〃
〃All　right。　Now。〃
〃I'll　e　back　later。〃
〃I'll　have　finished　the　papers；〃　I　said。




22


It　turned　cold　that　night　and　the　next　day　it　was　raining。　ing　home　from　the　Ospedale　Maggiore　it　rained　very　hard　and　I　was　wet　when　I　came　in。　Up　in　my　room　the　rain　was　ing　down　heavily　outside　on　the　balcony；　and　the　wind　blew　it　against　the　glass　doors。　I　changed　my　clothing　and　drank　some　brandy　but　the　brandy　did　not　taste　good。　I　felt　sick　in　the　night　and　in　the　morning　after　breakfast　I　was　nauseated。
〃There　is　no　doubt　about　it；〃　the　house　surgeon　said。　〃Look　at　the　whites　of　his　eyes；　Miss。〃
Miss　Gage　looked。　They　had　me　look　in　a　glass。　The　whites　of　the　eyes　were　yellow　and　it　was　the　jaundice。　I　was　sick　for　two　weeks　with　it。　For　that　reason　we　did　not　spend　a　convalescent　leave　together。　We　had　planned　to　go　to　Pallanza　on　Lago　Maggiore。　It　is　nice　there　in　the　fall　when　the　leaves　turn。　There　are　walks　you　can　take　and　you　can　troll　for　trout　in　the　lake。　It　would　have　been　better　than　Stresa　because　there　are　fewer　people　at　Pallanza。　Stresa　is　so　easy　to　get　to　from　Milan　that　there　are　always　people　you　know。　There　is　a　nice　village　at　Pallanza　and　you　can　row　out　to　the　islands　where　the　fishermen　live　and　there　is　a　restaurant　on　the　biggest　island。　But　we　did　not　go。
One　day　while　I　was　in　bed　with　jaundice　Miss　Van　Campen　came　in　the　room；　opened　the　door　into　the　armoire　and　saw　the　empty　bottles　there。　I　had　sent　a　load　of　them　down　by　the　porter　and　I　believe　she　must　have　seen　them　going　out　and　e　up　to　find　some　more。　They　were　mostly　vermouth　bottles；　marsala　bottles；　capri　bottles；　empty　chianti　flasks　and　a　few　cognac　bottles。　The　porter　had　carried　out　the　large　bottles；　those　that　had　held　vermouth；　and　the　straw…covered　chianti　flasks；　and　left　the　brandy　bottles　for　the　last。　It　was　the　brandy　bottles　and　a　bottle　shaped　like　a　bear；　which　had　held　k黰mel；　that　Miss　Van　Campen　found。　The　bear　shaped　bottle　enraged　her　particularly。　She　held　it　up；　the　bear　was　sitting　up　on　his　haunches　with　his　paws　up；　there　was　a　cork　in　his　glass　head　and　a　few　sticky　crystals　at　the　bottom。　I　laughed。
〃It　is　k黰mel；〃　I　said。　〃The　best　k黰mel　es　in　those　bearshaped　bottles。　It　es　from　Russia。〃
〃Those　are　all　brandy　bottles；　aren't　they？〃　Miss　Van　Campen　asked。
〃I　can't　see　them　all；〃　I　said。　〃But　they　probably　are。〃
〃How　long　has　this　been　going　on？〃
〃I　bought　them　and　brought　them　in　myself；〃　I　said。　〃I　have　had　Italian　officers　visit　me　frequently　and　I　have　kept　brandy　to　offer　them。〃
〃You　haven't　been　drinking　it　yourself？〃　she　said。
〃I　have　also　drunk　it　myself。〃
〃Brandy；〃　she　said。　〃Eleven　empty　bottles　of　brandy　and　that　bear　liquid。〃
〃K黰mel。〃
〃I　will　send　for　some　one　to　take　them　away。　Those　are　all　the　empty　bottles　you　have？〃
〃For　the　moment。〃
〃And　I　was　pitying　you　having　jaundice。　Pity　is　something　that　is　wasted　on　you。〃
〃Thank　you。〃
〃I　suppose　you　can't　be　blamed　for　not　wanting　to　go　back　to　the　front。　But　I　should　think　you　would　try　something　more　intelligent　than　producing　jaundice　with　alcoholism。〃
〃With　what？〃
〃With　alcoholism。　You　heard　me　say　it。〃　I　did　not　say　anything。　〃Unless　you　find　something　else　I'm　afraid　you　will　have　to　go　back　to　the　front　when　you　are　through　with　your　jaundice。　I　don't　believe　self…inflicted　jaundice　entitles　you　to　a　convalescent　leave。〃
〃You　don't？〃
〃I　do　not。〃
〃Have　you　ever　had　jaundice；　Miss　Van　Campen？〃
〃No；　but　I　have　seen　a　great　deal　of　it。〃
〃You　noticed　how　the　patients　enjoyed　it？〃
〃I　suppose　it　is　better　than　the　front。〃
〃Miss　Van　Campen；〃　I　said；　〃did　you　ever　know　a　man　who　tried　to　disable　himself　by　kicking　himself　in　the　scrotum？〃
Miss　Van　Campen　ignored　the　actual　question。　She　had　to　ignore　it　or　leave　the　room。　She　was　not　ready　to　leave　because　she　had　disliked　me　for　a　long　time　and　she　was　now　cashing　in。
〃I　have　known　many　men　to　escape　the　front　through　self…inflicted　wounds。〃
〃That　wasn't　the　question。　I　have　seen　self…inflicted　wounds　also。　I　asked　you　if　you　had　ever　known　a　man　who　had　tried　to　disable　himself　by　kicking　himself　in　the　scrotum。　Because　that　is　the　nearest　sensation　to　jaundice　and　it　is　a　sensation　that　I　believe　few　women　have　ever　experienced。　That　was　why　I　asked　you　if　you　had　ever　had　the　jaundice；　Miss　Van　Campen；　because……〃　Miss　Van　Campen　left　the　room。　Later　Miss　Gage　came　in。
〃What　did　you　say　to　Van　Campen？　She　was　furious。〃
〃We　were　paring　sensations。　I　was　going　to　suggest　that　she　had　never　experienced　childbirth……〃
〃You're　a　fool；〃　Gage　said。　〃She's　after　your　scalp。〃
〃She　has　my　scalp；〃　I　said。　〃She's　lost　me　my　leave　and　she　might　try　and　get　me　court…martialled。　She's　mean　enough。〃
〃She　never　liked　you；〃　Gage　said。　〃What's　it　about？〃
〃She　says　I've　drunk　myself　into　jaundice　so　as　not　to　go　back　to　the　front。〃
〃Pooh；〃　said　Gage。　〃I'll　swear　you've　never　taken　a　drink。　Everybody　will　swear　you've　never　taken　a　drink。〃
〃She　found　the　bottles。〃
〃I've　told　you　a　hundred　times　to　clear　out　those　bottles。　Where　are　they　now？〃
〃In　the　armoire。〃
〃Have　you　a　suitcase？〃
〃No。　Put　them　in　that　rucksack。〃
Miss　Gage　packed　the　bottles　in　the　rucksack。　〃I'll　give　them　to　the　porter；〃　she　said。　She　started　for　the　door。
〃Just　a　minute；〃　Miss　Van　Campen　said。　〃I'll　take　those　bottles。〃　She　had　the　porter　with　her。　〃Carry　them；　please；〃　she　said。　〃I　want　to　show　them　to　the　doctor　when　I　make　my　report。〃
She　went　down　the　hall。　The　porter　carried　the　sack。　He　knew　what　was　in　it。
Nothing　happened　except　that　I　lost　my　leave。




23


The　night　I　was　to　return　to　the　front　I　sent　the　porter　down　to　hold　a　seat　for　me　on　the　train　when　it　came　from　Turin。　The　train　was　to　leave　at　midnight。　It　was　made　up　at　Turin　and　reached　Milan　about　half…past　ten　at　night　and　lay　in　the　station　until　time　to　leave。　You　had　to　be　there　when　it　came　in；　to　get　a　seat。　The　porter　took　a　friend　with　him；　a　machine…gunner　on　leave　who　worked　in　a　tailor　shop；　and　was　sure　that　between　them　they　could　hold　a　place。　I　gave　them　money　for　platform　tickets　and　had　them　take　my　baggage。　There　was　a　big　rucksack　and　two　musettes。
I　said　good…by　at　the　hospital　at　about　five　o'clock　and　went　out。　The　porter　had　my　baggage　in　his　lodge　and　I　told　him　I　would　be　at　the　station　a　little　before　midnight。　His　wife　called　me　〃Signorino〃　and　cried。　She　wiped　her　eyes　and　shook　hands　and　then　cried　again。　I　patted　her　on　the　back　and　she　cried　once　more。　She　had　done　my　mending　and　was　a　very　short　dumpy；　happy…faced　woman　with　white　hair。　When　she　cried　her　whole　face　went　to　pieces。　I　went　down　to　the　corner　where　there　was　a　wine　shop　and　waited　inside　looking　out　the　window。　It　was　dark　outside　and　cold　and　misty。　I　paid　for　my　coffee　and　grappa　and　I　watched　the　people　going　by　in　the　light　from　the　window。　I　saw　Catherine　and　knocked　on　the　window。　She　looked；　saw　me　and　smiled；　and　I　went　out　to　meet　her。　She　was　wearing　a　dark　blue　cape　and　a　soft　felt　hat。　We　walked　along　together；　along　the　sidewalk　past　the　wine　shops；　then　across　the　market　square　and　up　the　street　and　through　the　archway　to　the　cathedral　square。　There　were　streetcar　tracks　and　beyond　them　was　the　cathedral。　It　was　white　and　wet　in　the　mist。　We　crossed　the　tram　tracks。　On　our　left　were　the　shops；　their　windows　lighted；　and　the　entrance　to　the　galleria。　There　was　a　fog　in　the　square　and　when　we　came　close　to　the　front　of　the　cathedral　it　was　very　big　and　the　stone　was　wet。
〃Would　you　like　to　go　in？〃
〃No；〃　Catherine　said。　We　walked　along。　There　was　a　soldier　standing　with　his　girl　in　the　shadow　of　one　of　the　stone　buttresses　ahead　of　us　and　we　passed　them。　They　were　standing　tight　up　against　the　stone　and　he　had　put　his　cape　around　her。
〃They're　like　us；〃　I　said。
〃Nobody　is　like　us；〃　Catherine　said。　She　did　not　mean　it　happily。
〃I　wish　they　had　some　place　to　go。〃
〃It　mightn't　do　them　any　good。〃
〃I　don't　know。　Everybody　ought　to　have　some　place　to　go。〃
〃They　have　the　cathedral；〃　Catherine　said。　We　were　past　it　now。　We　crossed　the　far　end　of　the　square　and　looked　back　at　the　cathedral。　It　was　fine　in　the　mist。　We　were　standing　in　front　of　the　leather　goods　shop。　There　were　riding　boots；　a　rucksack　and　ski　boots　in　the　window。　Each　article　was　set　apart　as　an　exhibit；　the　rucksack　in　the　centre；　the　riding　boots　on　one　side　and　the　ski　boots　on　the　other。　The　leather　was　dark　and　oiled　smooth　as　a　used　saddle。　The　electric　light　made　high　lights　on　the　dull　oiled　leather。
〃We'll　ski　some　time。〃
〃In　two　months　there　will　be　ski…ing　at　Mflrren；〃　Catherine　said。
〃Let's　go　there。〃
〃All　right；〃　she　said。　We　went　on　past　other　windows　and　turned　down　a　side　street。
〃I've　never　been　this　way。〃
〃This　is　the　way　I　go　to　the　hospital；〃　I　said。　It　was　a　narrow　street　and　we　kept　on　the　right…hand　side。　There　were　many　people　passing　in　the　fog。　There　were　shops　and　all　the　windows　were　lighted。　We　looked　in　a　window　at　a　pile　of　cheeses。　I　stopped　in　front　of　an　armorer's　shop。
〃e　in　a　minute。　I　have　to　buy　a　gun。〃
〃What　sort　of　gun？〃
〃A　pistol。〃　We　went　in　and　I　unbuttoned　my　belt　and　laid　it　with　the　emply　holster　on　the　counter。　Two　women　were　behind　the　counter。　The　women　brought　out　several　pistols。
〃It　must　fit　this；〃　I　said；　opening　the　holster。　It　was　a　gray　leather　holster　and　I　had　bought　it　second…hand　to　wear　in　the　town。
〃Have　they　good　pistols？〃　Catherine　asked。
〃They're　all　about　the　same。　Can　I　try　this　one？〃　I　asked　the　woman。
〃I　have　no　place　now　to　shoot；〃　she　said。　〃But　it　is　very　good。　You　will　not　make　a　mistake　with　it。〃
I　snapped　it　and　pulled　back　the　action。　The　spring　was　rather　strong　but　it　worked　smoothly。　I　sighted　it　and　snapped　it　again。
〃It　is　used；〃　the　woman　said。　〃It　belonged　to　an　officer　who　was　an　excellent　shot。〃
〃Did　you　sell　it　to　him？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃How　did